Reflections on Mental Health Awareness Week

Marly always finds the warmest and brightest place in the house to relax! Smart isn’t it? It got me thinking when I noticed her there….

We learn a lot from our pets and how good they are for our mental health. We don’t actually ask much of them and they certainly don’t ask much of us - an unconditional love that goes both ways with little demand and lots of joy from the simpler things in life - a walk, some snuggle time, food and overwhelming adoration when you get home. 

May has been National Pet Month and also included Mental Health Awareness week - and I think that these two go hand-in-hand.  It’s a perfect opportunity to reflect on how they fit together.

The events of the past 15 months, much of it spent in lockdown, have seen an unprecedented increase in pet ownership - and that’s not a coincidence.

Lockdown has brought many stresses for people, worrying about their income, trying to tutor their children alongside working from home, suffering from loneliness and a lack of human contact.  No wonder mental health has taken such a hard a hit.

Much of my work is about helping people get comfortable with who they really are. Part of that process is to integrate their inner selves with the image they project externally to the world, with a pet there’s no need to pretend.  You don’t need make-up, smart clothes or even a smile.  Your pet accepts you exactly as you are - unconditionally.

They are always happy to see you and give that unconditional affection - along with the tactile satisfaction of snuggling up together.  If you have a dog, a cat or any other furry pet, just stroking them is therapeutic for you both; win-win!

Just because there’s no language doesn’t mean that we don’t understand each other.  Animals pick up on your energy without you having to explain anything.  They can give you comfort with simply a head on your knee or by curling up in your lap.

Everyone wants to be understood, we all crave acceptance,  A pet does just that - sees us as who we are.  There’s no façade, no need to persuade anyone that you’re that person you aspire to be, rather than the real you - warts and all.

I’ve learned so much from Marly, besides that comforting unconditional love, watching her lie in that spot, she reminds me always to find the sunny spot and bask in the warmth.  Everyone has a ‘sunny spot’, you just need to find it like Marly always does.

Eating Disorders Awareness Week 2021

When you don’t have an official diagnosis for an issue you are struggling with, it can be hard to know whether your symptoms, if you’d even call them that, are actually real; Whether your habits or quirks actually constitute a legitimate problem. It’s one thing to have the certainty of a diagnosis, a binary yes or no answer, and it’s another thing to feel something is off but to be unsure of exactly what that might be. 

Disordered Eating, unlike Eating Disorders, is a way in which we have adapted our style of food consumption. 

 In some way we are all guilty of disordered eating. And this behaviour or way/routine/ritual or style is unique and different for us all. Disordered eating, like the concept of Body Image and Mental health are nuanced and variable and thus need to be understood in the context of a spectrum. 

This spectrum of disordered eating is flanked on one end by diagnosable Eating Disorders categorised as mental illness, and at the other extreme existing whereby a state of complete ease with food and body image exists.  In between those extremes is where most of us live. The truth is we all have a disordered way of relating to food- be it through food rules that we apply- only 1 piece of bread on my sandwich please- to the time of day that we confine our eating to by intermittent fasting. We normalise these habits that we develop and create a language around. However, they don’t exist in a vacuum. 

The intense societal messaging around what, how and when we eat, stems from the pressure that is exerted by large industries such as fashion and beauty to pharmaceutical and the diet industry. In fact, these big businesses and large consumer industries Prey on a weakness that has been fostered from a very early age and develops slowly but stealthily through the ages and stages of our lives.

We have been existing, somewhat unconsciously, by obediently following the subtle rules of the game. We have followed the path of diet culture and absorbed as Gospel, the rules- both written and unwritten. It has led many through the maze of what is considered to be “healthy/unhealthy living and eating”. 

Healthy attitudes and behaviour with eating, food and diet is the result of a complex interplay between the social, emotional, biological and physiological impact on our lives.  Mental health - and what it means is very nuanced and anything but absolute. Eating, food and how to manage appetite and consumption is complex and cannot merely be evaluated with a “calories in, calories out” approach or be diagnosed with the certainty of numbers on a scale or a BMI. It is a lifelong process of learning and unlearning.

Our beliefs of who we are -good and bad, has come down to the same way we have learned to categorise food- sugar and carbs as bad and vegetables and proteins as good.  Our Weight whether over/under or somewhere in between, contrary to popular belief, is not the effect of, but often merely a symptom of eating challenges.

The connection with how you look and how you feel is not about vanity and it is not solely about one’s appearance.  We have been taught and have learned to equate our worth with how we look. Not with who we are or what we do but in how we physically appear to others. It is not then surprising just how much our overall sense of self-esteem is impacted.

Bryony Gordon a mental health advocate has just bravely written about her challenges with BED and summarised this problem well in the telegraph: “as long as weight is seen as one of the chief signifiers of someone’s worth, we will never be able to approach food in a healthy way. BED has much deeper psychological roots than simply being ashamed of your body. Usually, it is the result of being ashamed generally.”

The charity Beat found there was a 195 per cent increase in numbers attending their online support groups and a 173 per cent jump in helpline calls, compared to February 2020. These are real numbers and the increase in them is telling. We are clearly in crisis- not much nuanced about that.

If you recognize yourself in this, please get the help you need from those who understand this complex experience. 

There is a fine line and tension between having a serious problem and needing help and having some problems but not feeling that they are serious enough to merit help. Not only do you still need the help, but you deserve it. 

No problem is too big or too small. It’s like when the good teachers used to say - there is no stupid question. Just Ask. In therapy, there is no silly question, just talk. 

Joining The Soke London

I am so delighted to announce that I have joined The Soke London as Head of Well-being on their clinical board…

Joining such an experienced wonderful team is a great way to bring 2020 to an end and start 2021 a new…

The Soke aims to normalise mental health by in encouraging proactive care of your metal well-being. 

With relevance, accessibility, comfort, safety and client service at the forefront of our minds. The Soke is a centre created to provide best-in-class, regulated, personalised care. 

The centre opened in October 2020 and has been able to support clients during the pandemic. 

We can’t wait to welcome you in person for 2021. 

Anxious about Covid 19?

Across the world, people are living under ‘lockdown’ as the globe battles to fight the coronavirus pandemic. During this time, it’s important to check in with your mental health.

It is natural to feel anxious and worried by reports in the media or if you have been affected by the virus. Those working on the front lines in healthcare or other services must be feeling the pressure more than anyone. Try to remember that you are not alone in your feelings and that this pandemic has affected the lives of millions of people in various ways.

Here are a few pointers to look after your mental health and wellbeing if you are staying at home:

✍️ Write down 3 things you are grateful for each day. Remember to say thank you to those helping you.

☕️ Plan your day, try to start with the same routine every day, make sure you get up and dressed in the morning. Do something productive (this definition will have changed now) and treat yourself with a reward or something enjoyable.

📲 Stay connected to your family and friends on video calls, or by telephone. If you know someone who is self-isolating alone, make the effort to contact them they will appreciate it and you will feel good about making the effort. Maybe this is time to re-connect with those friends that you haven't seen in a while and you keep meaning to get in touch with. It's good to talk.

🧘🏻‍♀‍ Exercise daily. YouTube is full of free videos, from yoga to aerobics. Take that 20 minute walk outside - take advantage of the good weather and get that Vitamin D your body needs to absorb (but keep your distance!).

🛀🏻Try a relaxation technique, like meditation, breathing or even having a bath. Put on some uplifting music! Focusing on the present can help you forget those negative thoughts.

😌 Learn to take one day at a time, and not worry about things that might happen. We can all take our selves off to worrying places when we let our imagination get the better of us. If something hasn’t yet happened try not to worry about it. As it won’t serve you. If you and your family are happy and healthy today then celebrate and make the most of it!

💕 Be kind to yourself. You might be dealing with difficult challenges at the moment. Just because there are worse things happening to others doesn't make your situation any less challenging in the present. Allow yourself some time to be annoyed, to be upset, to be frustrated. But, then decide to shake that off and think about how you can move yourself forward….at least for now.

Why Are Mother-Daughter Relationships So Complex?

Oh you can still remember those words and that feeling.... it’s a girl!!! A girl, how lucky! How exciting, how special, how important, how hopeful! We will be so close! Best friends! Tell each other things, secrets, share hopes, dreams, fears in a way that only mother and daughter could really do....

But we don’t think of the other side of this relationship .... how complicated, challenging and sometimes downright impossible it can be.

Mother-daughter relationships are complex – eliciting a special set of emotions reserved only for the mother-daughter couple. Even the healthiest of relationships can be at times fraught with real challenges.

So, what goes into making a ‘healthy’ mother-daughter relationship when your daughter grows up?

A ‘healthy’ mother-daughter relationship is one that allows for closeness and togetherness – but simultaneously – for independence and space. It’s caring and loving and fun and silly. This changes at every age and stage from childhood to adulthood. A mother daughter relationship is whatever you choose to make it!

A good place to start is by establishing boundaries for the relationship.

What does that mean?

Making sure both mother and daughter feel safe, comfortable and satisfied within the relationship.

Guilt is a useless emotion

Guilt is an emotion that often exists in close and complicated familial relationships. It is a difficult and strong emotion that, when understood better, appears to serve very little purpose. It can sometimes be used to convince people to do or feel or act in ways they themselves do not want to and it is not a healthy tool in any relationship, no matter what the dynamic may be.

When it comes to mothers and daughters, guilt can manifest itself when one, or both, are overly critical of the other.

When one feels hurt, they may need to bring up past events that are known to make the other feel upset and guilty. This is done to express unresolved hurt – perhaps in an unconscious way – perhaps more directly. Either way, it is not a good or healthy tactic and will only strain the current relationship.

Mothers and daughters can become trapped in this type of relationship struggle. The most effective way to get past the hurt is to be able to talk about it from both sides – with an aim to forgive each other and move on from the past – in order to establish a healthier relationship.

Once forgiven, you must move on and try not to bring back old issues from your conversations. Be open to having difficult conversations with an aim towards forgiveness.

Be yourself 

In healthy mother-daughter relationships, both parties need to take the other for who they are, and not engage with trying to change them.

The most common form of this is when the mother would like her daughter to be more like her. This may be in personality, values, choices, opinions. The mother may try to make the daughter feel guilty for being different and may consistently try to change her. This can lead the daughter to feel that they are often disappointing their mother and often trying to please without success. This can lead to arguments, resentment and overall an unhealthy relationship.

Being in the company of someone that’s trying to change you isn’t fun!

The key to this is acceptance. The mother needs to accept the perceived differences or faults and focus on the daughter’s positive attributes and not those that are perceived as negative.

Be open to conflict 

There will always be conflict in the world and conflict in relationships. That is normal. Conflict isn’t something that can be ignored. If conflict is ignored, then there will always be tension and unresolved issues.

The first step is to identify the conflict and the reasons for it. Take some time out to do this.

Once you’ve identified the conflict, you need to talk about it.

It is best for both to engage in a conversation around this conflict – regardless of how difficult it might be to begin. Trying to do so in a positive and respectful way will help keep both sides engaged and not exacerbate the situation further:

• Allow both sides to present their side of the argument without interruption. It’s important that each person has their say and that the other party listens.

• Try not to bring up unrelated negative events. Try to think of positive experiences that you would like to build on rather than focusing on the negative.

• Try to end on a positive and agree on ways that you can move forward. Tell each other how much you love each other and what you like about each other.

You may need to accept that this may take time but keep revisiting regularly and don’t avoid having the conversation again if it’s needed.

You may have to agree to disagree. This can be acceptable so long as it’s not constantly used as a guilt tool and both parties genuinely accept the differences.

Spending time together

Some mothers and daughters enjoy spending a lot of time together, some don’t. One may want more time and one may want less. The party wanting more may make the other feel guilty for not wanting to spend a lot of time together.

The ideal situation is that time together should be happy, positive and uplifting. If spending less time together achieves that, then overall the relationship will be healthier. Just because you’re related doesn’t mean that you need to spend all your time together.

The key is to be mindful of your behaviour towards each other and notice how time together impacts on your mood.

Don’t feel guilty about reducing the amount of time together if it makes the relationship work better.

Allow each other to make mistakes 

It can be hard for a mother to stand back and let the daughter make, what they perceive as, mistakes. Only when you’re a mother can you really understand how hard it is.

In childhood it is important to guide, lead and mentor your daughter as they have no foundations to work on. They need to be guided and protected. But part of becoming a grown up is needing to learn to navigate life’s challenges independently. The mother must step back to allow her daughter to develop her independence and most importantly, allow her to make her own mistakes. As humans, we only learn from mistakes that we make.

Learning to strike a balance between offering helpful guidance, and intervening at every struggle, is the challenge. But getting that balance to establish the perfect recipe for a happy and healthy mother daughter relationship is the goal!

International Women's Day 2020 #EachForEqual

What is International Women's Day?

March 8th is International Women’s Day 2020. An annual worldwide event, that celebrates women’s political and social achievements, while calling for further gender equality.

The day brings together governments, organisations, schools, corporations and charities, and is marked around the world with art performances, talks, rallies, events, conferences, marches and more. The theme for this year is #EachForEqual and is focused on recognising the actions we take as individuals to encourage equality.

How did International Women's Day start?

International Women's Day can be traced as far back as 1908, where 15,000 women took to the streets on New York City demanding voting rights, better pay and equal working hours. 

In 1910, Clara Zetkin leader of the Women's Office for the Social Democratic Party in Germany tabled the idea of an International Women's Day. With the idea that every country should celebrate women, and push for equality on the same day each year.

Why do we still celebrate International Women's Day?

In short, full gender equality across the world has not been realised.

What is the theme for International Women's Day 2020?

The theme for this year is #EachForEqual recognising the actions we can take as individuals to challenge stereotypes, fight prejudice and celebrate women's achievements.

2020 is an important year for gender equality. Not only is it the 25th anniversary of the Beijing Declaration and Platform for Action, the most advanced blueprint for achieving gender equality in the world. It also marks the 10 year anniversary of the establishment of UN Women, and the 20th anniversary of the UN Security Council resolution 1325 on women, peace and security.

How can I get involved with International Women's Day 2020?

Here are ways you, and others, can take part in International Women's Day.

1.     Make a pledge for parity - This involves going to the IWD website and pledging to help women and girls achieve their ambitions; call for gender-balanced leadership and create flexible cultures.

2.     Join one of the many events happening around the world - The IWD website shows where events are happening in countries and towns - check out what's happening near you to see how you can participate. Keep an eye out for the numerous #March4Women marches that have been organised in capital cities across the world, on Sunday, March 8.

Why is Media Literacy crucial to maintaining a healthy Body Image?

The world of social media is different from your off line life and the number of “likes” you get on a post is not a barometer for how liked you are in real life.

Online community vs real friends : There is a BIG difference.

• Platforms like Instagram and Snapchat are the worst for impacting mental health.

• People report feeling bad about themselves after spending too much time on them.

• The visual imagery we are bombarded with is often the highlight reel of people’s lives, not their actual reality and what they do “ behind the scenes”

• Be mindful of what you watch and how you consume MEDIA. Have periods when you UNPLUG.

• Have REAL conversations. Talk to girls about beauty ideals, analyze pictures, learn about airbrushing and photoshopping techniques.

Talk about how beauty/diet industries are heavily marketed and by pushing their products, contribute to making women feel insecure so that they will buy more. A new lipstick is always fun but be mindful

Choose the people you follow wisely - I cannot stress this enough.

• Do they make you feel good about yourself and your body? Do they inspire you and make you feel positive and happy?

• Or do you find that you constantly compare yourself to them and criticize yourself for not looking a certain way, like they do.

• Don’t forget most of the time even they don’t look like they do. :)

How do you recognize signs of negative Body Image in yourself or others? How do you support someone displaying those signs?

Let’s remember that we all have an element of a distorted view of our bodies as well as complicated relationships with food.

All of the following are “normal” to a certain degree:

-Experiencing body dissatisfaction, being preoccupied with body weight, shape or appearance

-Struggling with feelings of depression, isolation, low self-esteem and/or disordered eating due to body dissatisfaction

-Having shame, anxiety, and self-consciousness about your body

-Frequently comparing your body to others and feeling that your body is flawed

RED FLAGS are:

-Obsession with body size and shape

-Extreme weight loss

-Refusal to eat, denial of hunger even when starving

-Labeling foods as good or bad. 

-Fixate on eating foods that give a feeling of being healthy

-Obsessively going to the gym

How to support:

-The most important thing is to Notice changes in behaviour

-Begin conversations if you see someone is not him/herself 

-Build self-esteem and confidence; there is more to being a human than what you look like

-Celebrate diverse shapes and individuality

-Praise the actions of the body not the appearance, function OVER form

-Take the focus off numbers on a scale - encourage balance between healthy eating and exercise

-Talk about Appetite awareness

• Practice intuitive eating: I like to call it appetite awareness, being mindful and listening to hunger cues letting us know to eat when we are hungry and stop when we are full

• Notice emotional eating which happens when we are not able to confront certain feelings so we eat instead: am I hungry for food or do I need something else?

• Watch your language - avoid labeling foods as “good vs. naughty”  and talking about “what to avoid”. Aim for balance and moderation.

Who is most at risk of suffering from Body Image Issues? What impact does this have on people?

Everyone is affected by Body Image - having a body means you have body image. In the same way, we all have mental health. The degree to which we are impacted depends on how much influence the feelings of falls somewhere on the spectrum and the impact body image has on people varies depending on where they fall.

The specific populations such as cancer patients, burn victims, people with dermatological issues, disabled individuals, and anyone in the spotlight (ex athletes, dancers, models) etc. People going through developmental changes are also at a higher risk of developing body image issues, such as transitioning from adolescence to adulthood, getting pregnant, ageing. 

Bodies are always changing, and how we adjust to those changes has everything to do with how we feel and how we look, this is particularly strong in adolescence. Body image cannot be escaped - having a body means we all have a body image. How we feel about our bodies is what differs from person to person.

What Influences Body Image?

Body image is a complex phenomenon and rarely boils down to just one thing.  It can be shaped by an individual's mind set and biology, the influence of industry (food, fashion, fitness and beauty), media (traditional media, social media, advertising world), influencers (peer groups, family) and the society and culture we live in. 

Gender is a major sociological factor when considering body image and its impact on people. Body image has traditionally been viewed as more of a female issue, but increasingly we see boys and men struggling with their body image too.

The Food, Fashion, Fitness and Beauty industries also all impact our body image to a greater or lesser extent. Depending on where we fall on the spectrum, how these industries affect us will vary. They prey on our weaknesses especially around fitting in and they convince us that we need to buy the latest and greatest item to keep up with the ever-changing trends.

With the omnipresence of advertising, plastic surgery has become an enormous influence on society. It is easily accessibility (you can now have Botox done at superdrug) which is contributing to reasons why plastic surgery is being done with very little thought. 

Media - what a powerful influence … on us all. There is much greater access to media than ever before – social media keeps us informed of every move people make. With all that exposure comes a widespread dissemination of attitude that “perfection” is attainable. People feel pressure to be thin and to resemble celebrities. However, most if not all of these photos are edited, and whilst it seems as though “perfection” is attainable, this sadly results in almost half (45%) feeling ashamed about the way they look.

Some of the key influencers in a young persons life are friends, parents, teachers and coaches.. The people you surround yourself with influence you both positively and negatively. Being mindful about how you feel in people’s presence can help you when choosing who to surround yourself with. 

What is Body Image and why is it so important?

Body image is defined as how we see our physical selves and how that impacts us emotionally. Simply put: body image is how we think and feel about our bodies.

This can include a person’s thoughts and feelings about their weight, shape, skin colour, size, height, and their overall appearance. What WE see may be very well different from how others see us. BODY IMAGE is a very subjective experience. Amazingly, two people could look identical (twins) but have a very different body image.

Body image is so important because it impacts your self-esteem and ultimately how you come to know and accept yourself. This directly impacts our mental health. The body and mind here are totally interlinked. 

However, I believe body image needs to be understood on a spectrum - With mild and normative issues around the body on one side and increasing severity leading to Body dysmorphic disorders and eating disorders on the other side.

Having a positive body image ensures you have a healthy relationship with food and exercise and the reverse is true too. When you have a healthy relationship with food and exercise, this enables you to feel more positive about your body. These elements feed into each other and help you to feel better both inside and out. It gives you the confidence to be your authentic self.

Mental Health Awareness Week 2019

As a body image specialist working in this field for over 20 years, I am so happy that Mental Health Awareness Week has chosen to focus on body image as the theme this year.

By acknowledging Body Image as a mental health issue, The Mental Health Foundation can help us begin to make way for the conversations and strong connection between our emotional and physical selves - the body and mind. How we feel about how we look has a huge impact on how we feel about ourselves overall.

This is such an important week and feels like a real opportunity to share with you the research, the process I use in therapy, the work behind the scenes, and topics I am asked most about when doing corporate or school talks.

I am passionate about and proud to have been doing this work for many years before “Body Image” was even a term and even more proud to be sharing my experience of what I have learned and come to know as “all things body image”. 

Over the course of the week, I will be posting some of my content each day in order to inform and raise awareness around Body Image. I will cover topics such as: 

-What is body image?

-What influences body image?

-Who is most at risk?

-How to recognize signs in yourself and others

-How to support someone displaying those signs

-The importance of media literacy for a healthy body image.

I hope you will find the daily posts useful and would love your feedback so please leave comments! Stay tuned on my website for blog posts and several exciting projects that I’ve been working on :) link in bio.

Holli x

Women on the Couch – Confer Seminar Series

Confer provides innovative conferences and seminars for psychotherapists, psychologists and counsellors, and allows them to step out of their usual training regimens and step into a space which enriches their practice with varying points of view. I have been to many of their conferences and have learned so much from all of the incredible speakers. I am now proud to be amongst this group of excellent female psychotherapists chosen to participate in the unique seminar series entitled Women on the Couch – a series of presentations for psychotherapists on the inner lives of women.

Seminars have been held on Thursday evenings this autumn in honour of Confer’s 20 year anniversary. The aim of this seminar series is to explore experiences that are of particular concern to women. The speakers touch on a variety of issues ranging from sex work, addiction, and women in war zones to name a few.

On November 15, 2018 I will be speaking on the topic of body image: how we feel about ourselves physically impacts us emotionally. This can have detrimental effects on ourselves and those around us, and can ultimately hold us back from living our fullest lives. Body image is a topic of concern that is more prevalent today than ever before. Whilst not a new topic, its impact is that much more substantial because of the rise of social media and the online lives we find ourselves living.

I will discuss how we as therapists can recognize both in ourselves and our patients, the difference between common body image discomfort as well as explore the warning signs that one might be entering more dangerous territory. I will also include helpful tips and techniques to overcome these difficulties.

As the day approaches, I am looking forward to contributing to this wonderful seminar series. I hope to see you there!

Purchase tickets here.

Summer Thoughts – time and its passing

Written by Holli Rubin

I have just arrived back in London after a wonderful summer in North America – a time spent catching up with friends and family, and taking the opportunity to just ‘be’ – something that is often overlooked in our hectic London lives.

I had an experience this summer that reminded me just how much our appearance is connected with our sense of identity, and is a strong form of self-expression. Even when other aspects of the self are being stripped away by time or possible illness, how we present ourselves to the outside world can help us retain that sense of who we are.

I was meant to have coffee with a friend also visiting but at the very last minute , she became unwell and so could not meet. Despite my disappointment in not getting to catch up with her, with this time now freed up, I was open for other experiences I would otherwise not have had.

So….

As I am walking along the street, out of the corner of my eye, I see this adorable grey haired lady in a bright blue blazer, floral shirt, sparkly sneakers. I stop. She seems confused and looks rather lost. She is snazzy, cute. Closer now I can see her long nails painted in glittery polish. I ask her if she is ok. Where she is going? She tells me she came from that direction “pointing backwards”. I take out my phone trying to show her on a map to see if this orientation will jog her memory.This doesn’t seem to work. I realize that this will take some time. “Let’s have a seat on this bench” I say as I move along the sidewalk with her and help her to sit. Where do you live? And she proceeds to open her wallet.

In her wallet is a handwritten card: In case Edith gets lost please bring her back to The Kensington

So I call the number and speak to a woman named Linda to tell her I am on a bench with Edith.
“What,” she replies, “Mr Crozer is waiting for her – he is parked outside CIBC”
“Oh. Ok,” I say “I will go look for him. Can you call him and tell him we are waiting on the bench?”
“I can’t call him,” says Linda, “I don’t have his number.”
“Well I don’t have his number,” I reply, “We will go look for him and then go into the bank to see if maybe he went there.”
As we walked together, I become aware of my protectiveness kicking in.
“You look so cute.” I said.
“Well fashion was my thing you know – I had a shop – Elly’s Bazaar? I came from Europe (she speaks with a German accent) – Everyone always wanted my things.”

I speak to Linda again. Linda says, “Do me a favour, if you don’t find him, put her in a cab and we will pay for it.”
“OK” I say, all the while knowing there was no way I was going to put her in a cab on her own. I tell Linda I will call her back.

We go into CIBC and speak to the teller who recognises Edith. She told me on our walk over that actually she doesn’t have any money and wonders if maybe she went in to deposit it. I asked the teller, “Can you remind her what she transacted here?”
“Yes – she had a 50 dollar bill and she wanted to change 5s”
“Edith did you hear him, you changed money.” Oh she said.

Not finding Mr Crozer, we walked over to the grocery store as I remembered we could find a taxi there to take Edith back home. I called Linda to tell her. Linda answered the phone to tell me that Mr Crozer is waiting in the parking lot at metro.
“Perfect,” I said, “I will call you back once they are together… oh I see him,” I say. They are reunited. He has a German accent too.
We sit and explain what happened a bit before Edith asks for my name which I wrote on a flyer that I had in my purse. She starts to cry and I gave her a hug.
“You were so kind,” she says, “My kids are never going to let me leave again.”
I tell Edith that her kids just want her safe.

This woman caught my eye. Made me stop to notice her and to realize all was not ok. This woman could have been any of our mothers/aunts/grandmothers that walk those streets to do their errands and buy their groceries and do their banking. Just as they have been doing for years. But in some ways, time changes us. All of us.

It seems significant somehow that this woman Edith, who could no longer remember where she was supposed to be or what she did at the bank just a few moments before, is still able to express herself through the clothes that she wears, she’s still able to remember the meaning that fashion has had for her, its role in her life. A means of expressing herself. How Edith continues to choose to dress is a sign to the rest of the world that she still knows who she is.

Two for the Price of One: The Impact of Body Image During Pregnancy and After Birth - by Susie Orbach and Holli Rubin

Body image concerns are widespread. The conjunction of body image distress and disturbances in eating have either been seen as rather trivial or as medical psychiatric issues. This has meant that they have rarely been in focus in considering health policies for expectant mothers.

Women’s concerns are anything but trivial. They are making women feel deeply uneasy in their bodies. They are disturbing women’s eating patterns. They are impacting on how women relate to their physical needs in pregnancy and post—partum, interrupting the focus on bonding with baby in the crucial early months when attachment behaviours are being established (Easter et al., 2013.; Orbach, 2005). Keywords: body image, pregnancy, postpartum, eating, bonding Becoming ‘an ordinary devoted mother’ (Winnicott, 1960) is not as natural a process in our times as we might wish.

The first few months of life are critical in establishing the foundations for well-being in the mother—infant couple and for the building of security and resilience in the baby. From Bowlby’s work on Attachment (1969) to neuro~scientific studies showing the effects of brain development, motor development and the uptake of specific hormones as soothers for babies, the picture is clear. Becoming ‘an ordinary devoted mother’ (Winnicott, 1960) is not as natural a process in our times as we might wish. Women’s relationship to their bodies, including their feeding of themselves, combined with the avalanche of often contradictory information telling them how to settle and feed their babies, meets messages from the media which represent pregnancy and post pregnancy as an opportunity to target them about their size as though the most important thing about giving birth is the retrieval of the preipregnant body (Orbach, 2009). Media images that laud celebrity mothers who achieve a state of emaciation six weeks after delivery are switching the focus of the post-partum period away from mother and baby getting to know each other and finding a rhythm together. Instead, there is a cultural insinuation that a mother’s job is to present herself physically as though nothing as life— changing or bodyschanging as having a baby has occurred. This critical moment in which new life and the new mother weave together a delicate and precious bond needs supporting in order to ensure the best possibilities for both.

IMAGES AND EXPERIENCE OF PREGNANCY

Pregnancy is a time of hope, joy and promise. Many women enjoy being pregnant. They revel in their growing roundness and feel good both on the outside as well as the inside. Hormonal changes are having a positive effect. For others, discomfort about bodily changes causes worry and creates a background of anxiety about how large they are and whether they will ever get their bodies back. They feel out of control. For still others, the difficulties are far more serious. There is considerable despair about how they look (lemberg 8: Phillips, 1989). They are discontented and focused on feeling fat. They feel exempted from the hype and excitement around being pregnant. The lack of a ‘blooming pregnancy’ contributes to a sense of guilt and confusion. They aren’t able to surrender to their body’s changes. The midwife encounters all of these concerns. If a woman has always managed her body by strict guidelines regarding food and exercise regimes, she is now confronted by a body which seems to have a mind of its own. It is in rebellion. The pregnant body is felt as alien rather than natural and its changing can alarm her. Her diet is disrupted and she becomes anxious. If she has always over—eaten, then she will not necessarily know how to eat appropriately in pregnancy. She may misinterpret bodily signals and ‘over’ eat to quell morning sickness, distancing herself further from her bodily needs. Her emotional need to eat will provide the rationale for eating for more than two (Park et al., 2003).

Grazia Magazine

How Mums Feel About Their Post Baby Bodies

Holli was interviewed by the Huffington Post for their Thriving Parents Section on “The Psychology Behind How Mums Feel About Their Post-Baby Bodies After Giving Birth And How To Build Confidence.” The article focuses on the relentless pressure, exacerbated by celebrity and social media sharing of remarkable post-baby bounce backs, to return to the pre-baby body weight quickly. It discusses how this pressure, combined with the physical demands of looking after a newborn and other mental-health issues that can occur for new mothers “can add to the notion of feeling ‘out of control’ of their own body.”

However, the article also discusses the powerful some woman can feel post-pregnancy with full understanding of all their body can accomplish. 

Check it out: The Psychology Behind How Mums Feel About Their Post-Baby Bodies After Giving Birth And How to Build Confidence.

Debating the Impact of Social Media on Teen’s BodyImage

On Thursday, 5th May 2017, Holli was invited to speak on SkyNews #skydebate, responding to a survey commissioned by the youth empowerment programme National Citizen Service. The research surveyed 1,000 teenagers across England.

Findings showed more than half of teenagers have felt or do feel insecure about their appearance. Additionally, nearly half of girls have tried to lose weight by the age of 17 and a third of boys have felt under pressure to be muscly.

The research also showed that 40% said their appearance was influenced by what they see on social media compared to 24% who said celebrities were a bigger influence.

There was also evidence of the darker side of social media, with 58% saying they have felt jealous, negative or insecure because of social media and 24% saying they felt negative about themselves because they did not look like their friends.

Thirty-two percent of girls admitted they were “obsessed” with getting likes on social media.

Surgery is NOT a game!

As a body image specialist , therapist and mother, I have seen firsthand how dangerous the world of plastic surgery is for the mental health of girls and women.

Surgery used to be reserved for more serious problems including physical disfigurement for which I can understand from personal experience.

As a child, I had an accident that altered my appearance and left me with a scar.

As a 5 year old little girl I was worried about how I would look and how others would see me.

As hard as it was, I learned to listen to my mother’s words to “stop putting myself under a magnifying glass. ”

This helped me to accept my scar and it being a part of me. Had it been surgically removed, I would not have had to go through that  journey to learn to like how I looked, with or without it my scar.

I want my children and all children to feel good about themselves from the inside out. I want them all to feel that how they look is exactly as they should- warts/scars/birthmarks and all. I want them To like how they look but more importantly to like who they are.

It is one thing to play with your looks-to have a haircut, get your ears pierced or try a new shade of lipstick but altering appearance through something as permanent as plastic surgery is serious business.

Children playing on these apps minimizes that seriousness, and actually condones surgery by inadvertently and unconsciously sending the message that faces and body parts are meant to be changed and can be, simply and easily.

I think I speak for many parents when I say that our children should not see plastic surgery as a game.

The images above are examples of many available on the Apple App Store, the Google Play Store and the Amazon App Store. These cosmetic surgery apps, which often feature animated characters, are being marketed to kids as young as nine, a target group that is already influenced by our body-toxic culture.

Our societies are saturated with images of perfect and unattainable bodies, with over 21 million cosmetic procedures being performed throughout the world in 2015 according to the International Society of Aesthetic Plastic Surgery. The dissatisfaction many adults face with their bodies has trickled down to our children. Statistics from The National Eating Disorder Association in the U.S. show 81% of 10-year-olds are afraid of being fat. In the UK, the 2016 Girlguiding Girls’ Attitudes Survey found more than a third of girls aged seven to ten felt women were valued more for their appearance than their abilities. Globally, children deserve to be challenged and inspired by their toys, not to spend their free time worrying about how they look.

On January 14, 2014, Endangered Bodies supported the UK-based Twitter account Everyday Sexism in its call to remove plastic surgery apps aimed at children featured on iTunes and the Google Play store. Within 24 hours, both platforms removed the flagged apps. Although neither platform released an official statement, their choice to remove these “games” indicates that they recognize the potential harm they can cause.

Deceptively designed as children’s games, the apps encourage users to slice virtual patients apart using scalpels, syringes, and other tools used in surgical settings. By making cosmetic surgery apps available for download, Apple, Google and Amazon are allowing companies to stoke and profit from the insecurities of children.

We at Endangered Bodies challenge the toxic culture that promotes negative body image. Cosmetic surgery apps, which promote body dissatisfaction and shame, are not games that should be marketed to vulnerable young people. Although in some cases (where games have age-based ratings) it is possible for parents to limit access to these games through parental controls, we believe that further action is needed. Apple, Google and Amazon need to scrutinise the apps that already feature an age rating to ensure the content isn’t in fact directed at younger children, using the age limit as a way to still offer their app for download. In other words, we don’t want these platforms to use the age rating system as justification to continue to offer these apps, which are clearly designed for children.

Please sign this petition to ask Apple, Google and Amazon to implement a policy which is clear to every developer, that they will not accept any such apps that are targeted at children and make a commitment to protect the mental health of their young users.

This petition will be delivered to:

• CEO, Apple
  Tim Cook

• CEO, Amazon.com
  Jeff Bezos

• CEO, Google
  Sundar Pichai

The Disintegrating Self Understanding and working with adults with ADHD and/or Autistic Spectrum traits

“Traits of both Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and Autistic Spectrum are common, and often occur together. Many of those who seek help from psychotherapists suffer from such problems – but often neither they, nor their therapists, are aware of these brain-based conditions. Despite the misleading emphasis upon attention in the name, ADHD is essentially a disorder of impaired self-regulation, including affect regulation. Associated with emotional instability, storms of affect, impulsivity, novelty-seeking, rage, panic, volatile relationships, and general chaos, ADHD is often a hidden core in ‘borderline’ or ‘emotionally unstable’ personality disorder.”